It has been a year since my last post. This morning, in attempt to break my hiatus, I found myself in front of my computer and absolutely terrified. When did I become so fearful of having my words read by my friends and acquaintances? This fear of judgement contradicts every single piece I have written so far and everything I want to be as a person and a writer. After a full year days of hiding away from being vulnerable and transparent through writing, I have decided its time for a renewal – not only of this site, but of my true self.
To catch you up, the last 365 days have been eventful: I turned 24, left one job for another, moved from uptown to downtown, I struggled with an eating disorder, got let go, and got hurt. I traveled, dated men (some better choices than others) and spent lots of time alone. I struggled with self-love. I began mediating, hitting the barre and practicing yoga. I found love in others. I began actually taking care of myself. I felt euphoria along with lows that confined me to bed for days. Sometimes I wondered if something was actually wrong with me. I questioned my sanity and the wide range of my emotions. Why was I so often unhappy and why was I not as joyful as everyone else seemed to be? I am sure my parents worried a lot after dozens of phone calls. I began to wonder if it was me or New York, my job, my diet or being single. Then Trump came along that definitely made shit worse. I sunk deeper into my sullen attitude, breaking my vow to write regardless of what was going on in my life and refusing to try.
Much of the past year has been spent in denial. I have tried to alter my personality for the sake of others, forgoing my kindness and vulnerability for arrogance, cynicism and judgmental tendencies. I have been disingenuous to the heart of who I am, trying to emulate qualities that I admired in others and fitting into niches of others. I chased dreams that were not my own. For months I regressed into insecurity and fear of not belonging somewhere, attempting to be like other women, not realizing that my complexity and fluidity is what makes me who I am, that being anyone else is simply impossible. I am far from one dimensional, existing as a series of dualities: strong and emotional, alpha and beta, introverted and extroverted, artistic and athletic, ditzy and brilliant. All of this may make my journey a bit less traditional than others but it will certainly make for an interesting story, which I will share here with you.
It is important to understand that your pain is a part of your progress. Despite what you may think as you scroll through social media, all of what we see is an illusion. Your strengths and weaknesses are your own, and they must be embraced or misery and self-doubt will not be far behind. We should practice seeing the beauty of the world every day but we are also entitled to feeling low and discouraged when life’s bullshit strikes. Now more than ever we need to renew our sense of hope, self-worth and faith in the goodness of those around us. While I am no saint and will never be completely free of judgement, I am consciously trying to get back to a place of openness and kindness in a world that is clearly lacking. I hope to do this through writing here, teaching wellness and focusing inward on a daily basis through meditation and my yoga practice (which I highly recommend if you find yourself in a rut.)
Breathe deeply. Be selfish. Be proud of yourself even if you are still figuring things out. Do not engage with trolls/misogynists/racists/ ignorant white people. Do not judge your fellow woman, unless they voted for Trump in which case judge away. Do what you love whether other people think its corny or not because who the fuck cares. Wake up with gratitude but know that there is work to be done and it will not be easy. And above all else, know that you are not alone.
With that, I promise you and myself that I won’t disappear again.