Selfish

11:41am Signed, sealed delivered.

It’s done – I’ve accepted a new position, one that ties in my experience in entertainment, event curation, and communications. And more importantly, one that fuels my creative fire and desire to work with people. In alignment with my career goals, this is a logical next step. I asked, I acted, and I received. This is the law of attraction at work, right?

11:45am Why am I not happy? 

12:15pm Still uneasy. Proceed to get upset with myself for being upset. This turns out as well as you’d imagine.

12:28pm I’ve identified the sinking feeling, and it all boils down to the moment of my resignation. What will my boss say? Will my coworkers be mad? Will people talk?

Instead of enjoying this moment, I’ve allowed myself to become consumed by the thought of letting others down: my boss, my coworkers, my company. The most frustrating part? I know how ridiculous it is to put others first, forgetting about myself in the process. When I quit my first job out of school after almost two years, I was borderline paralyzed by the thought of giving two weeks notice. Even though I was deeply unhappy and had a great new opportunity, I feared that I was betraying the company that had given me my first gig and a boss who had supported me throughout.

I can trace this blinding sense of loyalty back to my childhood. Like so many girls, I was raised to be easygoing, agreeable, and fair. To take what was given. To be grateful. To not rock the boat. To put others before self, usually at the expense of my own needs. Only recently, through deliberate acts of self-care, have I been able disassociate negativity from selfishness. It’s been freeing, but a slow process – sometimes in making these decisions I still feel a little pang of guilt. Breaking this habit is at the top of my priority list.

1:00pm Feeling restless, I figure a walk can help calm my nerves. Nobody ever takes breaks here – in fact, you almost feel bad for doing so. God knows I hate being chained to anything, especially a stupid fucking desk.

1:05pm After some initial rain, it has turned into the perfect fall day. Closing my eyes, I inhale the crisp air, exhale slowly through closed lips, and welcome the immediate calm that follows. Looking up, I taking a moment to bask in my little glory, excited for what’s to come – not worrying about what’s to come or what others think. Trusting myself to do what’s right for me alone, and nobody else.

It’s a purely selfish moment, and it feels good as hell.

 

Posted by

New York based blogger in love with self-care, wellness and love itself. Always moving and striving to help women be their best selves. @soellaquent

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