Pissed

If you scroll up and down any of your various social media platforms, 2014 would appear to be the age of not giving a damn. But truthfully there is a whole lot of fronting going on in our generation. We minimize, suppress and disregard our feelings and those of others, throwing lovely labels on behavior we do not like – including but not limited to needy, crazy, etc.) We find it absurd that someone would need closure from a situation or require basic communication outside of a text message, if we even grant them that. We text, tweet, DM, and all sorts of other shit that when it comes time to actually talk most of us have legitimately no idea where to turn for genuine, true support. A phone call is  a nuisance, and a conversation spanning more than 5 minutes is way too much for us to handle. We are expected to simply move on, often without closure or understanding, and then we wonder why people actually DO trip.

Somehow being angry or upset today is so sorely frowned upon black women in particular actively try to avoid being the “mad black girl” – a label used against us the moment we display any sort of emotion. We never stop to consider that those who are acting out are not doing so without reason. Jealousy, lying, betrayal, fear, uncertainty and insecurity are all of these are real feelings that people deal with every day, yet we love to sweep them under the rug and pretend we are above it all just to avoid appearing weak.  Confiding in someone and disclosing your true self is one of the most difficult things to do, whether you are dealing with a break up, death, pressures of society or a sense of failure. If you are upset about legitimate shit like the current situation in Ferguson or the unruly laws protecting police officers I guarantee one person will tell you not to worry. If you just got cheated on you will hear “shit happens” or some variation of this dismissive phrase. Of course shit happens, but that does not mean we should become numb to how we feel.

I have a very small group of people who I can actually articulate real emotions to who I know will not write me off. I cannot be the only person who feels like smacking people in the mouth when they say that everything will work out. Sometimes, when I feeling low, all I want to be listened to, consoled and comforted, not brushed off. I want to be supported, and I believe the world is lacking in such necessary empathy. What is truly crazy is writing off the emotions of another as invalid and the inability to have conversations with someone else about being human.

I write relatively openly about dating and love, but I do not want anyone to front about who they really are. Nothing about what I do or say is about being cool, its about getting being authentic and truthful in your experience, wants and desires At the core of everything I write is my hope that millennial can be more transparent with both themselves and with whoever they may or may not be dealing with romantically or personally. My deepest hope is that everyone can be fully comfortable in sharing who they are no matter what the possible outcome, because life is too short to live any other way.

On Being Alone

We all know that girl – she is hopelessly romantic, has a new boyfruend every couple months and uses social media to broadcast her relationship status. You can log on to Twitter, Facebook or Instagram at any moment and essentially catch yourself up on the happenings of her relationship, and her tone of voice fluctuates depending on whether or not her and the boyfriend are on good terms. On Monday she may post “me and my baby forever and always 8.6.2014 xo” but by the end of the week she’s angrily tweeting “SINGLE!” Her ever-changing outlook on love is evident amongst her friend group too, who have to deal with her mood swings. When booed up, everything is sunshine and rainbows and subtle shade towards her single friends. But when single, she is absolutely miserable until someone new comes into the picture.

The sad thing is that this is not simply behavior of high school girls, but grown women too. I thought maybe some of this behavior would end after age 19 but it is more common than ever to see people broadcasting the entirety of their private life in public. It is one thing to like being in a relationship, but another to need one to complete you and validate your existence.

Anyone who knows me knows I love love. I think a fulfilling, mutual, and loving relationship is one of the best things life has to offer, but it is not a necessity. After college, I learned to truly enjoy being alone and actually enjoy it. Still, being “alone” has a very negative connotation for most people, especially young women. If someone had told me that being single was fun a year ago I probably would have laughed and conclude they were just trying to justify their loneliness. Admittedly, I was a serial monogamist in part trying to fill a void that existed after a previous relationship was ended. If I wasn’t in a relationship, I would think there was something wrong with me if I didn’t at least have someone to talk to casually or “come over and chill” on any given night. So many of us strive to be booed up, its hard to take it when we don’t have someone by our side, accessible physically or emotionally at any part of the day. This is particularly try for newly single people who need a quick replacement to their sudden loneliness, which I understand. What I DON’T understand is how someone can jump from person to person without taking a breath for some self-reflection. These people who feel that they need a relationship tend to make the same mistakes repeatedly and do not truly grow.

Single people are not exempt from these issues. Some people, even out of relationships, can’t let a day go by without finding someone of the opposite sex to talk to. Whether its someone to like their Instagram post or someone to make small talk with during class or a work day, some singles still need that constant attention. Yes, we all want to feel valued and wanted, but a few days or even weeks of solitude is not just normal but beneficial. And you do not have to justify this time away from the dating world, because I guarantee you that girl who is “in love” is not at all as happy as she seems.

If you do not know by now I am unapologetically single. I was not always this way and it took me almost a year to get there, but its more liberating than anything. On nights where I don’t have someone to go out with, I take myself out. We spend so much time trying to please others, not realizing that life is much more enjoyable when you respect and live for your own health and happiness. People always tell you to love yourself first which sounds like bullshit but is actually something to hold dear to you. Only you have the power to recognize your faults, your daddy/mommy issues, or your insecurity and actually enjoying being in your own skin. True satisfaction begins within, and that is something nobody else will ever be able to give you.